The psychology of cheating, explored through scandal

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We’ve all seen people cheat, get caught, and have existing relationships (and sometimes families) come crashing down. But when an illegitimate couple tries to go legally, the rest can’t help but wonder.

if they cheated and you, why don’t they cheat in the end upon you? Or as TikTok Peanuts Gallery says: How you get them is how you lose them.

I Vanderpump rules the news cycle never diesin what is now called Scandoval.

New details are emerging daily, including recent reports that cast members Tom Sandoval and the beauty queen, formerly known as Rachel Leavis, have been seen kissing on camera by the end of this season. I am continuing.

Interested parties have already seen photos circulating around the internet, including of him walking into her apartment and the pair wearing matching lightning bolt necklaces. It fuels rumors that they are in love and want to be together.

(I have sympathies for his partner of nine years, Ariana Maddix, but apparently she fled to Mexico, where she dances freely with the locals and lives her best life. – Google alerts are turned off.)

The fact that they could be an actual couple has the entire internet pulling hair and screaming in unison in a multidimensional way because Sandoval has done this before. lose them.

Raquel (whose name we all know is the banal Rachel stage name) is a new addition to the show, but we know she was a fan before joining the cast. , which saw Sandoval staunchly deny Kristen Doute’s cheating with Ariana in Season 2.

Eight seasons later, after nearly a decade with Ariana, he Publicly ‘apologized’ on social media for months of alleged affair With Raquel, though viewers have yet to see the aftermath of the show.

after a long time vanderpump Fans, I can’t say I was surprised by the cheating, but the details caught me off guard. I never understood why a badass woman like Ariana would put up with Sandoval. So he almost convinced me that he was the exception to the rule, that he had grown and evolved. Late 30’s (early 40’s?) And I realized how lucky I am to have a ride-or-die partner like her.

My inability to anticipate this made me question my instincts. She is the daughter of a psychologist who boasts of her powers of observation. How did you miss the signs?

It may have been willful ignorance. But for anyone in a long-term relationship anywhere, we decided to consult a real-life expert on the psychology of cheaters and the likelihood that new relationships stemming from cheating will actually last.

Yes, I had to tell an expert in painstaking detail about the entire scandal and the public relations history of both Sandoval and Raquel. you’re welcome.

Are once cheaters always cheaters?

There is a difference between an isolated cheating incident and a serial cheating situation, according to. Deborah Binalis a licensed marriage and family therapist and has written a book on gaslighting and recovery from trauma.

In some situations, relationships can recover from isolated episodes of cheating. However, if it’s an ongoing affair, or if it’s happened multiple times with different partners, that pattern of behavior may continue, and if there’s a pattern of cheating, it’s usually rooted in anxiety. There are, he says Vinall.

In her opinion, when someone says they want to be with you even though they’re with another person, the attraction isn’t on you. it’s about them. What they are really saying is that they don’t have the courage to break up with their current partner or be alone. It’s that they need someone to validate that they feel sexy enough, needed, or desired. Relationships and relationships with no gaps in between — and probably a lot of overlap.

“Sometimes there’s an internal grievance with the scammers themselves,” agreed crystal dunkers, a licensed professional counselor based in New Jersey who specializes in relationship therapy. “And of course they usually give the impression that they are exaggerating, but they want this kind of external validation, right? This is actually an indicator of anxiety.”

Grandeur is an understatement when it comes to Tom Sandoval. His cover His band is literally called Tom Sandoval And The Most Extras. He calls himself Most Extra.He is fueled by attention and external appraisal, and as far as we have known him, he has always been at least One romantic relationship, if not more. Check it all out.

The Dunkers also presented another possibility. Imposters’ approach to relationships may have been shaped by their childhood experiences and developed an avoidant attachment style.of attachment theory, there are four different attachment styles that act as blueprints for how they work in relationships. They may be emotionally unavailable or uncomfortable with certain levels of intimacy beyond sexuality.

When and if people with avoidant attachments cheat, their motives may be as simple as seeking something easier. , requires a limited level of intimacy and less true vulnerability. This person, who was once fun, lighthearted, and exciting, now wants more, and when it becomes excessive, it moves on to the next person.

Dunkers believes that these situations are often too complex to universally apply blanket statements such as “the one who cheats once is always the cheater”, but people If it can’t recognize the pattern, it thinks it’s a problem and gets to work. Even better, it can be a repetitive cycle that crashes one relationship after another. there is.

Predicting future behavior goes back to the characteristics driving that behavior, Vinall said. If someone has been cheated out of a desire for security or validation, or a need to be admired or loved by a new partner, those feelings can fade over time. Unless you know what you’ve accomplished, you might expect them to do the same for you, whether it’s breaking an addiction or getting yourself into serious treatment.

“You can’t change a cheater. A cheater can change a cheater,” she said.

Sandoval’s apology, in my opinion, did not demonstrate self-examination or a desire to change his behavior. Raquel’s statementwhich in many ways repeated her role as a victim, but came across a more genuine introspection and recognition of wrongdoing.

Okay, but why did Raquel do that?

When Scandoval broke, I felt even more confused because of Raquel. As she puts it in a statement, we see this season requiring “emotional validation through intimate connections, often at the expense of others,” but she herself has been deceived. I couldn’t help but think about the fact that upon.

Her ex-fiancée, James Kennedy, denied all cheating allegations during their five-year relationship (there were many of them), but eventually committed at least one infidelity with Lara Kent. Raquel knows how it feels when someone you love betrays your trust.she also spent a lot of her vanderpump Seeking approval from other women, waiting for them to come to her, despite choosing a toxic partner. She eventually established several friendships before this all went down.

All of this made her decision to get involved in the case all the more puzzling. How can such a “sweet” girl pursue a much-needed friendship with a woman while sleeping with a long-term partner? How could she believe it would be better for

Dunkers says some people are forced to engage in unhealthy relationships because the emotional needs they unknowingly try to satisfy in adult relationships aren’t being met. Meeting these needs can become a priority and take precedence over all others.

For example, if they struggled to feel worthy of love and connection from their parents during their formative years, a romantic partner who can provide them with a sense of worth is attractive. It’s about finding out, and when you can do that, all red flags seem to disappear, even if things take a nasty turn.

“I am not walking around thinking, I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough But it’s an unwitting driver,” Dunkers said. If someone who once made you feel worthy later makes you feel worthless, it’s only reinforcing a core belief that never goes away. I gravitate toward things, but not necessarily what is best for me.”

Vinall also says that those who become serial scammers may miss many red flags. She confirmed that people often seek out partners who have similar personality traits to the models they grew up with, or figures of same-sex parents. It makes it hard to see the red flags because we’re thinking about how it looks.

“Sometimes people are unconsciously attracted to the adrenaline rush of something slightly toxic, and confuse that adrenaline rush with the adrenaline rush of love or infatuation.

If the affair had not been exposed, there would be no reason to believe that Sandoval was about to leave Ariana and move on to Raquel. If I had been more respectful to my partner, I think he would have had difficult conversations and ended things before he got lost. is a bit naive and I believe that love and attention are the most important issues.

“When you enter an adult relationship trying to satisfy your childhood desires, we get into trouble, but that’s not your partner’s fault,” said Dunkers. , understanding the roots of her need for emotional validation and finding ways to meet that need within herself rather than externally. I challenged her to wonder what she was getting out of the relationship.

“If you’re not looking for someone who meets those needs, your requirements are different,” she said. “You would choose another partner. So why did you choose him?”

This concludes my research into the psychology of cheating exemplified by Tom Sandoval and Raquel Leviss. Neither party is involved. A wonderfully chaotic mess for us bystanders and an absolute nightmare guaranteed for the real people affected. I can’t help but feel a slight prick of empathy, despite the fact that we are all grown-ups. without scrutiny.

Perhaps this journalistic therapy session humanizes them a little — we’re all traumatized. But if you’re a full adult and your unresolved trauma leads to behavior that hurts others, that’s a poor excuse.

And now we’re on the edge of our seats waiting to see how this unfolds.


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